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I came across this from the flowmasters messageboards...
Moderators plz let this stay for a little while, its well worth it
I forget what the first line was but it had something to do with being obsessed with hot rods or somethin like that....
1) If you have ever been caught doing 100 M.P.H. in a 35 M.P.H. zone, and you talked your way out of it by “popping your hood”
2) If you have ever passed someone and sucked their windshield out.
3) If your secondaries never close.
4) If you use NOS to go get bread and milk.
5) If you have ever put an 871 blower on a lawnmower.
6) If you don’t have to sign your tickets.
7) If the local highway patrol had to buy a Ferrari to catch you.
8) If the highway patrol complains because you out ran their Ferrari.
9) If your exhaust system is illegal in 48states.
10) If you think 4-inch exhaust is too restrictive.
11) If 2 blowers on the same motor isn’t enough.
12) If th-400s and 9 inch differentials are too weak.
13) If you think a Chevy 540 is an awfully small motor.
14) If the last time your “significant other” drove your car they had a triple coronary.
15) If your neighbors use your fuel pump to drain and fill their Olympic size swimming pool…. in seconds. 16) If Exxon and Goodyear send you holiday cards.
17) If the local parts house named their new wing after you.
18) If Exxon and Goodyear give you discounts.
19) If the local parts house and tire shop are the 1st 2 numbers on speed dial.
20) If you think natural aspirated motors are blaspheme.
21) If you don’t like side view mirrors because they won’t stay on the car…at 180mph.
22) If you floor it and you go back in time.
23) If your traffic fines keep the local economy going.
24) If your traffic tickets take up a whole room at the courthouse.
25) If you are no longer welcome to run in the HOT ROD power tour.
26) If your no longer welcome to run in the silver state challenge.
27) When you white smoke the tires the fire dept thinks the whole town is on fire.
28) If nobody in town will drag race you any more.
29) If the city council had a drag strip built to keep you off Main Street.
30) If a 16:1 compression ratio is too low.
31) If your car won’t even idle below 2000 R.P.M.
32) If you try to drag race the neighbor kid…. on his bicycle.
33) If every thing you own has a flame paint job, even your house and toilet.
34) If you need new tires as often as you fill your tank.
35) If you white smoke the tires getting out of the driveway.
36) If you wear your fire suit to work.
37) If you have pictures of your motor in your wallet.
38) If you hold the towns record for longest peel mark.
39) If pure octane makes your engine ping.
40) If your motto is mufflers are for wimps.
41) If the government finances your insurance.
42) If you had to get a radiator off of a tank.
43) If the highway patrol named an offence after you.
44) If you have ever invented an offence.
45) If the highway patrol knows your cam specs.
46) If too fast is a relative term.
47) If you think less than 8 cylinders is blaspheme.
48) If the highway patrol officer pulls you over to talk about engines.
49) If you consider shifting gears a hobby.
50) If you worship the all mighty piston.
51) If your lawnmower has an E.T. of 9.4 @ 158 M.P.H
52) If you removed your door handles to save weight.
53) If you put a fiberglass hood in your wife’s Honda.
54) If no pizza shop in town will hire you as a delivery boy.
55) If you think imports are the antichrist.
56) If you think turning an impala into a low rider is blaspheme.
57) If you shaved off your window tint to save weight.
58) If you count your car as an independent when you file your taxes.
59) If Goodyear named their new line of tire after you.
60) If you consider a knocking rod as a midlife crisis.
61) If you completely built a car out of new parts from the companies you see ads for in automotive magazines.
62) If you are addicted to acceleration.
63) If you laugh madly at the words “four cylinder”.
64) If you put a small block Chevy on your kids go-kart.
65) If 20 inch wide tires are to narrow.
66) If your blender is set up to run on NOS.
67) If your dryer has a supercharge on it.
68) If you started out with a fiberglass hood…. and now your entire car is fiberglass.
69) If you have ever done a wheels up launch at a stoplight.
70) If you think single exhaust should be illegal.
71) If the inch length of your exhaust pipes is in the single digits.
72) If you have ever seta ¼ mile record…on main street.
73) If your camshaft is illegal in all 50 states.
74) If your valve springs can double as suspension components.
75) If you have devised a way to put four 4 barrels on a 350.
76) Instead of gas mileage you measure it as gas footage.
77) If you flood the town when your radiator hose breaks.
78) If you flood your engine and it is considered a statewide fire risk.
79) If you crack your oil pan and the government compares it to the Exxon Valdez.
80) If you think 400 horsepower is Childs play .
81) If you have ever built a straight 6 that would out-run a big block.
82) If you can’t grasp the idea of fuel economy.
83) If your motto is “women want me, tires fear me”.
84) If you have never driven your car below 40 M.PH.
85) If you floor it and the square corners of your body panels start to melt.
86) If you have ever floored it and had a quarter panel fly off.
87) If your torque converters stall speed is set at 10,000 R.P.M.
88) If your motor quits making power at 13,000 R.P.M.
89) If your motor starts making power at 8,000 R.P.M.
90) If you put a big block Chevy in everything…even your swamp cooler.
91) If you use 10w 30 to get an enema.
92) If you think about emissions testing and you wake up in a cold sweat.
93) If a cracked block gives you nightmares and insomnia.
94) If you have ever tried to get a rebuild kit for a hair dryer.
95) If you if you read your kids bedtime stories about how to do engine swaps in f-bodies.
96) If you can’t sleep without first listening to your idle lope.
97) If you have ever stored your motor in your bathtub.
98) If engine grime under your fingernails is soothing.
99) If you have ever tried to get an overhaul kit for a model car.
100) If you think front wheel drive is the antichrist
:sillylol: :sillylol: :sillylol:
__________________ 87 Camaro Z28 Waiting for LS1/4L60E transplant. Tons of TPI parts for sale 2009 Malibu LT 2.4: The comfy daily driver www.GMInsidenews.com www.NJFBOA.org
Originally posted by therckid (Shane): i spend my money wisely. Outta 1200 a week i have, i only get in my pocket around 400 a week. These new jobs are to fulfil my need, to be a mechanic, and these jobs will bring me there. and the offer is stillup, anyone dont think i'm worth that much, bet all you got against me. What we hear:
- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
- You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.
- You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.
- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.
- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
- When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.
- You change engine oil every other week.
- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.
- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
- Your racing budget is one of the big three -- mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.
-Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
- You walk proper lines through the grocery store.
- You've been known to yell "It means 'check your mirrors' dammit!" at your television.
- You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
- You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.
- You bought a race car before buying a house.
- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.
- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28'enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8) Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere -or- hookups for the motorhome.
- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.
- You know well that Orthodontic work is the equivalant of three sets of tires
- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.
- Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."
- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
- You have enough spare parts to build another car.
- More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.
- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
- You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers, start your engines!"
- If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.
- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.
- Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and Pauter rods and your 'significant other' knows what they are.
- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"
- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.
- Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith has ever written.... and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.
- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.
- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you are the one stuck in the mud at ButtonWillow last weekend!"
- You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the manufacturer's name.
- Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.
- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.
- Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".
- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.
- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.
- You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.
- Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
- You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.
- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.
- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.
- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.
- You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your passenger gives you a real funny look.
- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
- You can't stand understeer.
- You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle better.
- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
- You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
- You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.
- You save broken car parts as " momentos".
- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly....
- You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).
- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car you have been within 50 yards of...
- The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust piping.
- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.
- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tip every day than you do bathing.
- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
- You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
- You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency brake to kick the back end out.
- White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter"
- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.
- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math Handbook"
- When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
- You have racing shops programmed on on your speed dialer.
- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
- You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them.
- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving.
- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.
- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.
- You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.
- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview afterwards.
- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"
__________________ Online Drag Racing -------Reaction Time Tester! Red 1982 Trans Am MSE Hooker 1 5/8 primaries, 3 inches back, 3:73s
Red 1990 Formula with ZZ4 motor, Hooker 2055s, American Thunder catback
Black 1991 GTA with 3 inch Flowmaster Catback system
Black 2002 WS6 Bone Stock
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
And here are some bumper stickers you will see now and then
1. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
2. Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
3. *** is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
4. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
5. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
6. Keep honking while I reload.
7. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
8. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
9. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2, an amusement park.
10. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
11. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
12. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
13. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
14. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
15. Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers.
16. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
17. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
18. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
19. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
20. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
21.Horn Broke....Watch for finger!
22.Armed pitbull with aids on board.
23.I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you.
__________________ Online Drag Racing -------Reaction Time Tester! Red 1982 Trans Am MSE Hooker 1 5/8 primaries, 3 inches back, 3:73s
Red 1990 Formula with ZZ4 motor, Hooker 2055s, American Thunder catback
Black 1991 GTA with 3 inch Flowmaster Catback system
Black 2002 WS6 Bone Stock
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?
I love car jokes!
Here are what car names stand for
AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.
BMW-Big Money Works.
* Brutal Money Waster.
* Bimbette Motor Weapon.
* Break My Window.
BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.
CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
*Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology.
DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.
*Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere.
*Dead or Dying Gas Eater.
*Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express.
FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.
*Fix It All the Time.
*Fix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall Day.
*Fixed Or Repaired Daily.
*First On Rust and Deterioration.
*Fix Or Repair Daily.
*Found On Road, Dead.
*Fast Only Rolling Downhill.
*Features O.J. and Ron's DNA.
*Found On Russian Dump.
GM- General Maintenance.
* Great Mistake.
* GMC- Garage Man's Companion.
* Got A Mechanic Coming?.
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again.
HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.
OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind *Infuriatingly Late Everywhere.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment.
PINTO - Put in new transmission often.
PONTIAC - Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac.
SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back.
*Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
*Sorry Arsed Auto Builders.
TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.
*Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners.
VW-Virtually Worthless.
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I'm impotent.
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I'm older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I'm a pimp.
Cadillac Seville - I'm a very good Mary Kay salesman.
********Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Dodge Dakota - I've always wanted a womans pickup truck.
Ferrari Testarossa - I'm known to prematurely ejaculate.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart).
Ford Mustang Cobra - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I'm a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Lincoln Navigator - I love scaring the crap out of the guy who is driving a civic.
Mercury Grand Marquis - I'm an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment.
Mercedes 500SL - I can go 0-60 in about 6 seconds if the car doesnt fall apart at 50.
Mercedes 560SEL - I'm dating a mechanic.
Mercedes ML320 - I'm a badass soccer mom.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB - I'm dating a midget.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Nissan Maxima - I couldn't afford an Infiniti.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
Oldsmobille Bravada - I laugh in the face of the guy who's driving a Blazer.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I'm on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
*********Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Pontiac GTO - Gas, Tires, & Orgasms.
Pontiac Aztek - Too easy.
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie.
Porsche 944 - I'm dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal.
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic).
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet.
Toyota Land Cruiser- I would go off road if I could.
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I'm out of the closet.
Volkswagen Microbus - I'm trippin right now.
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
bwahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!! oh my word i about died when i saw toyota camry=still in the closet because there is this guy that i work with at ups and he thinks his stock 1999 toyota camry base model would wipp my camaro in a drag race and in corners wich is total
Also in the garage 1995 Mitsubishi Eclipse GSX -
318AWHP Before the bottom end blew out on 3/18/05. Haven't touched it since. 1995 Lexus SC300-
Too many mods to list...currently being turbo'd. 1993 Subaru Legacy Sport Sedan-
Turbo AWD beater. Slightly Modded 1997 Honda CBR F3-
1/4 at 10.9 -As fast as I need to go w/o a seatbelt.
but it had something to do with being obsessed with hot rods or somethin like that....
:rockon: 
