I can move my steering wheel back and fourth just a touch, and it squeeks like a mother f'er now. How the hell can I fix this garbage?

 

If it's the entire column, then tighten up the two bolts towards the middle of the column that hold it up.

 

Dan, you need to figure out what part is loose. As mentioned, if it's the whole column, you can tighten the bolts that hold it to the dash. It's not likely that it's your problem though. If it wiggles from the tilt joint, you've got to take the column apart and tighten some reverse-torx bolts. There's a few threads here complete with pictures to take you through the procedure. A search should dig it up.

The other unlikely possibility is that the actual wheel itself is loose. Since those are pressed on pretty tight, it's really not likely that it's the problem. if it is that, you just remove the nut lock, tighten the nut, and reinstall the lock.

 

I just checked it, the tilt doesn't budge, neither does the column.

The steering wheel actually wiggles. It BARELY has play in it, but it squeeks like a mother f'ker.