Definations of Thirdgen Tools
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Moderator
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 4,079
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From: Houston Texas
Car: 1989 IROC Z-28
Engine: L98 350--modified
Transmission: 700 R4--modified
Axle/Gears: 4:10 Posi
Definations of Thirdgen Tools
I was out in the garage working on the IROC, doing a couple of things getting it ready for the Fall Brawl.While digging through the bottom of the tool chest, I ran across this defination of tools, that I thought might come in handy to some of U, especially some of you young guys that are just learning about working on your thirdgens.
Tools defined
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "****!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
OR:
An instrument used to puncture holes in expensive leather upholstery while carrying said instrument in your hip pocket.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and plastic parts.
25. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
26. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
Tools defined
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "****!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
OR:
An instrument used to puncture holes in expensive leather upholstery while carrying said instrument in your hip pocket.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and plastic parts.
25. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
26. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
Last edited by Zap Racing; Nov 18, 2005 at 04:49 PM.
awesome. I've experienced quite a few of those 
Thread Starter
Moderator
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 4,079
Likes: 1
From: Houston Texas
Car: 1989 IROC Z-28
Engine: L98 350--modified
Transmission: 700 R4--modified
Axle/Gears: 4:10 Posi
Got one to add:
SHOP BROOM: Originally invented to tidy up, or swatting down hornets nests, but more often used to retrieve the socket U dropped, that always rolls to the direct middle underneath the car.
Anybody got any others?
SHOP BROOM: Originally invented to tidy up, or swatting down hornets nests, but more often used to retrieve the socket U dropped, that always rolls to the direct middle underneath the car.
Anybody got any others?
Last edited by Zap Racing; Nov 18, 2005 at 04:47 PM.
right on the money 
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,262
Likes: 1
From: houston
Car: 83 POS monte carlo 2015 chevy P/U
Engine: 92 5.7 tpi 5.3
Transmission: 700r4 6L60E
Axle/Gears: 2.42 too high
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER, also used to check your body for blood & response to pain.
23. HAMMER: also useful for the removal of finger nails along with response to sudden sharp pain.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: also normally won't cut through anything other than your skin.
25. TIMING LIGHT: also useful to inflect temporary blindness on ones self.
28. spark tester,... a friend to hold the coil wire while you crank the motor over.
29. a video camera to record said friend holding coil wire.
30~96,.... for other useful tools to be added by others at a later date.
97. BEER,... to forget why you ever opened the hood to start with.
23. HAMMER: also useful for the removal of finger nails along with response to sudden sharp pain.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: also normally won't cut through anything other than your skin.
25. TIMING LIGHT: also useful to inflect temporary blindness on ones self.
28. spark tester,... a friend to hold the coil wire while you crank the motor over.
29. a video camera to record said friend holding coil wire.
30~96,.... for other useful tools to be added by others at a later date.
97. BEER,... to forget why you ever opened the hood to start with.
Last edited by DENN_SHAH; Nov 20, 2005 at 06:50 PM.
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